Without You Here
by laura loom
Summary: The Hunger Games have passed, and Katniss has rejected Peeta in favor of a safe, non-confusing, loveless life. When writing a love song for a new Capital show, however, what will Katniss discover about herself from what she writes? Songfic.


**Disclaimer: I don't own The Hunger Games, or this lovely song, 'Without You Here,' by the Goo Goo Dolls.**

Sitting here, trying to get into the mindset of a love-stuck fool, I find myself penning a lot of 'oooh I love you!' s, and 'baby's, which is about as far from what I usually write as possible. What I usually write is more along the lines of a funeral march. This notebook is filled with plenty of your typical, Katniss-brand songs, most of which feature slow tempos, and lyrics talking about horrible, painful death.

However, The Capital thought that since they're paying me to be on this show (made up of "Panem's own singing tributes") they get to dictate every word that pops out of my mouth. Ironically enough, I only recently won the fight with my employers for the right to continue writing my own songs, so that I wouldn't have to sing any 'oooh I love you's. The only condition was that I write some happier songs, one of which must be a love song, and here I am, writing exactly what they would have happily spoon-fed to me.

In the end, it is this realization that spurs me to actually put some effort into what I'm doing; I refuse to relinquish the one freedom I have left. The first lyric is inspired by the horribly sunny weather that constantly plagues The Capital, oddly enough.

_Your love's a gathered storm, I chased across the sky_

But after I get this far, I know that I won't be allowed to scrape by with a constant string of weather-related metaphors. It's time to put the love in love song.

_A moment in your arms, became the reason why_

_And you're still the only light that fills the emptiness_

The next line is one that I write down with a wry smile.

_The only one I need until my dying breath_

At this point, I tap the tip of my pen against my lip. How do I sound sincere without making it look like I'd be left sobbing in the rain if the object of my affection so much as looked at me? I decided right then that I would write about the people that I love, plus a bit of fluff in order to keep my job.

_And I would give you everything _- Prim - _just to_

_Feel your open arms_

As the next line comes to me, I copy it down haltingly, not quite sure if it's too personal to sing to all of Panem or not, but if I don't believe what I'm singing, then how can anyone else? It's about Peeta; Peeta, the boy -man now- that I've been trying to drive out of my head for the past seven months with every line about death and destruction.

_And I'm not sure I believe anything I feel_

_And now, now that you're near_

_There's nothing more without you_

_Without you here_

Startled, I look back at these lines, not believing that I wrote them even as the ink dries on the page before me. What happened to being able to survive just fine on my own? How can I be both determined to stay independent, and empty without company? How can my own emotions be so frustrating?

_And I'm trying to believe_

_In things that I don't know _- Which feels like it includes just about everything, right now.

_The turning of the world _

_The color of your soul _- A sunset orange, unless that has changed, too.

_That love could kill the pain - _To believe that anything could...

_Truth is never vain_

_It turns strangers into lovers _- And prevents misunderstandings, like the one between the 'star-crossed lovers of district twelve.'

_And enemies to brothers_

_Just say you understand _

_I never had this planned _

Suddenly, I find myself hoping that Peeta hears this song, and understands that in it, hopefully not hidden too deeply, is an apology. When I say that I never had this planned, I mean what went on between us - I never planned to hurt him at all, let alone as deeply as Peeta was hurt by my idiocy

_And now, now that you're near_

_There's nothing more without you_

_Without you here_

_Without you here_

_There's nothing more without you_

_Without you here_

Sitting back to look at my work, I consider ending it at that. It's currently around two minutes long, or so, and plus a short instrumental... it could be done? The only thing that really bothers me is that I end it on such a needy note. If Peeta hears it, and really listens to it like I want him to, then the ending might sound like I want him to come back to me. One part of me is completely fine with that, and the other doesn't know what she wants at all, so it would probably be best if I communicated this confusion, somehow.

_My head lies to my heart_

_And my heart it still believes _

_It seems the ones who love us_

_Are the ones that we deceive_

_But you're changing everything_

_You're changing everything in me_

'Here goes nothing,' I think as I rewrite three lines from the chorus as the final ending for the song.

_And now, now that you're near_

_There's nothing more without you_

_Without you here_

The crowd gathered in the studio, coming to here 'Katniss's infamous love song,' is stunned into silence as my voice fades away. I'd like to think that my voice is just that good, but something tells me they're just surprised that I didn't sneak a single line about gore into the lyrics.

Finally, the applause starts up, and I am able to bow and leave the stage, silently wondering whether Peeta was there for what will probably be the only time I perform this.


End file.
